I rang in the New Year with mostly strangers, but it was good for me. You would’ve never caught me doing that the year before. I would say 2017 was a year of change and a year of pushing my own limits and comfort zones. I learned that most of the time, pushing yourself through that wall of comfort reaps serious rewards.
The Lone Daisy was definitely one of those comfort zone pushers.
But with pushing my own limits came fears and anxiety and A LOT of overthinking. I have actually had moments where I spring up in bed and start to have a nervous breakdown, every single choice I have ever made hitting me in the face, screaming “WHAT IF IT’S A MISTAKE?”
Now, in the beginning, I would sit and just soak in that negativity and let it eat me alive for weeks, but after some counseling and self-help I have begun to realize that it is okay to have those thoughts, but I should never let them eat me alive.
I have grown more into myself than I ever could have. In my high school years I really found myself straying away from who I really was, in order to fit in and stay under the radar. That has mostly flown out the window now. You can expect everything from me to be floral and full of sunshine from now on (or sometimes the complete opposite and I’ll look like Wednesday from the Addams Family, you’re welcome).
And that’s ANOTHER GREAT THING! I am learning that I DO NOT have to stay fully committed to “one type” of person. I am so many different things and they don’t always go together.
So now on to 2018. Everyone has their “resolutions”, but I don’t want to call this that. Some of the things I plan on doing, I’ve done before, and now I’m just trying again. Out of all that I would like to achieve in 2018, the biggest things would have to be hope and peace.
I ask for hope because there have been far too many hopeless nights and hopeless thoughts in my life. Those nights where you lay awake thinking nothing is ever gonna change and you’re never gonna make it. Those days where you’ve seriously dropped your keys four hundred times, you’ve got ten assignments due, and you feel like you’ve gained fifty pounds and you think “this is it. Life is literally a cycle of torture.”
The way it works for me, if I’m down, life is nothing, and when I’m up, life is everything. It’s hard for me to find a good in between. It’s hard for me to maintain a little hope in the down days. So I guess I’m hoping for more hope? Haha…
I ask for more peace from myself. My mind is an amusement park of messy thoughts and ideas. There are so many things I want to do or make, yet when given the opportunity, I’d rather go home and watch Netflix. So then later I eat myself alive for never achieving anything. I overthink my past and my brain screams “FIX IT FIX IT FIX IT”, but I can’t. I have to accept it and move on. For most of 2017 my mind was a constant tidal wave. A constant tornado, swirling and growing and destroying me from the inside out. It fed the hopelessness. So for this year, I hope to have a little more peace. I would like to hush the storms of my heart and try to enjoy the peaceful rain when it does come (because it will).
My hope for myself this year is to not exactly “stop” the storm that my life is, but to learn to ride the waves of the small hurricanes that life brings me.
What about you? Are you stuck in the storm?
See you again,