Every once in awhile my blur of a life is interrupted by none other than myself. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, I raise my hand to my cheek, and I ask myself, “Who is this girl?” It doesn’t happen often, but when it does happen, it doesn’t feel good. I don’t recognize who I am or my actions or the life I’ve so suddenly thrown myself into.
Most of the time, I feel pretty lost. Sometimes it’s the good kind of lost where you’re driving across a bridge, the ocean off in the distance, and you feel lucky to be lost and to be here. Then there’s the type of lost where you’re sitting in your room under dim hanging lights wondering how you fell so far from the person you once were. And then there’s the place in between. That’s where I usually find myself.
You see, the problem is that I spent most of my high school career planning every little detail of my life out. Go to school, become a teacher, get married, have kids, then eventually die. That was it for the most part. That was my plan. Now I don’t have a plan and I think sometimes the old me emerges and she freaks out. I try to shut her up, but she demands to be heard. I haven’t exactly looked into anxiety attacks or panic attacks, but it might be something like that. I don’t want to put a label on it. I know it’s just a part of who I am.
The lost feeling is like a rollercoaster. One day I’m blissfully lost, and the next day I regret every change I ever made, but today something happened. I was driving into town like I normally do, windows down, blaring my favorite band’s latest album, Gone Now. A girl drove past me, hair perfect, big fancy sunglasses, and windows up. I remember being that girl. I remember when every hair had to be in perfect alignment, every nail filed and polished, and calm. Sometimes I miss the calmness of her, but at the same time I love the wild wind in my hair and I love not caring if it gets all tangled. I love my ugly tan lines and the sun freckles on my cheeks and the dark circles under my eyes, because they all point to one thing; life.
I am alive. And sometimes I think I forget that. I get caught up in what I want someday instead of what I want today. What do you want today?
Okay, if it’s cocaine or heroine you should direct yourself to maybe a different blog, but if you wanna tell that cute person you really like them then do it. If you want to eat a whole tub of mac and cheese (not recommended) then do it, just not every day! If you want to sing a song and put it online even if you don’t think you sound good, do it for you.
I used to care what people thought of me. I was obsessed. Now I just care about what I think of me. That’s what matters. And if you’re the girl with the perfect hair, and the killer nails, and the windows up in your car and you like being that girl, then go right ahead and keep doing you. Just make sure it’s for you.
See you again,