I wrote this song on a Friday night in February a few weeks after my three year relationship had ended with my ex-boyfriend.
Here’s the raw recording of this song right after I wrote it:
I had all these things I wanted to say and I was so frustrated with myself because I kept thinking about how I had just thrown three years of my life away on some guy from high school. I wasn’t that girl. I didn’t make mistakes.
I’m not going to go into grave details about my love life, but I will say that I loved him, and I will say that it was a beautiful experience. We were together for a long time (it seems like a long time to a twenty-one year old anyways) and it was strange to just have that person missing from my life.
One minute they are there, and the next they’re gone, and they’re gone by choice. It stings and it bites and the pain comes in so many waves. I would tell myself I was okay and it would last for awhile, but then it happens. You’re walking through the grocery store and you hear your song off in the distance, or you’re walking along and there’s just this smell that takes you back to a memory and it kills you. It hurts you over and over again for a long time. You swallow the pain and you keep going until it becomes this big ball of jagged metal inside your stomach and it spreads to your chest and the heat just rises until you cannot take it anymore.
This song was a way for me to get all of those feelings out. I’m not really one to talk about my feelings and I’ve always been that way. I’ve got so many walls up you wouldn’t even believe. So one night, as I laid there, wondering why all of these terrible things had happened to me, I decided to write The Way I Loved You.
At the time, I felt like I had been cheated. I put a lot into the relationship; time, money, love, nourishment, attention. I felt that I had put more into the relationship than my ex had. In some ways I did, but in some ways I know I didn’t. But at the time, I couldn’t see the bigger picture.
I drove us everywhere, I paid for things, I scoured the internet for the perfect gifts for him, I’d cook, I’d listen to his music, I’d watch his terrible movies, and for what? Why did I do all of those things?
What the hell was the point?
Because I loved him and that was the way I showed it.
But love did what most things do…it faded away.
We went to different schools, we made different friends, and it became difficult. Trust was weakening and communication started to lack and we could both feel it every time we were together again. It was the biggest elephant in the room, but we just avoided it. We went through the motions and lived as we did in the past, but it wasn’t the same, and we both knew it.
And that was the end.
And I always felt like he had come out ahead on the deal somehow. And I hated him for it.
I know that isn’t true now. And I don’t hate him. And it isn’t the end. We’ve since then talked and we’re now friends. How could I completely shut out someone from my life that was such a huge part of it for such a long time?
If you gather anything from this song, I hope it is peace. Realize that you loved them. Yes, you poured your soul out to another human being and you let them see pieces of your heart that you didn’t even know existed. Yes. It hurts, but if you keep fueling it with the broken memories and sad lonely nights, you’ll never get anywhere. Time heals most wounds, but acceptance heals them so much faster.
Appreciate the fact that you got to experience something magnificent and beautiful for a little while. It may have not been forever, but some people don’t even get the small moment.
You take what you can get in this life, even if it’s just in a blink.
See you again,